Deciding What is Most Important in Your Life

Let’s do a VALUES check up! First, we should start by defining values. Values are guideposts that inform us how we want to interact with and relate to the world, other people, and ourselves.  They are principals that can lead us and motivate us as we move through life.  They can also be a good indicator as to whether we are making choices that we respect, feel good about, and align with. When we act in accordance with our values, we tend to feel good, happy, content, and successful. When we are not living in a way that aligns with our values, we tend to feel sad, disconnected, irritable, and dissatisfied.  So, take a moment and ask yourself how you are feeling with the state of your life and take some time to identify what you core values are. 

         Values are different than goals. Values guide our direction whereas goals are things we want to achieve along the way.  Goals can be achieved or crossed off. Values, on the other hand, are ongoing and do not get checked off. They can change, however, as we move through various stages of our life. For example, when you are a teenager you may value social activities and friendships most, whereas when you start your career you may value financial stability and work more. Later, you may have children and value family and parenting more. 

         Values are unique to each person and should not be compared to what others value.  Each person’s core values are going to be influenced by things such as culture, family, friends, society, religion.  Keeping in check with your values is a lifelong exercise and re-evaluating them whenever you feel out of balance is critical.  Below is a list of 10 categories of values that people tend to have. There are hundreds of values and you can google the word values and find a much more exhaustive list that would include things such as honesty, loyalty, kindness, intelligence, fitness, fairness, leadership, independence, financial wealth, responsibility, honor, pride, self-respect.  The list can be so extensive that it can get overwhelming to figure out what your core values are. Therefore, I have written out 10 key categories for you to review and a Values Exercise to help you get started. Check out my personal experience with this experience to help get you motivated. 

My Personal Experience with this Exercise

         If you have read my first blog, Everyone has a Story, you know that being a therapist is a 3rd career for me following being a corporate business professional and then being a stay at home mom for 10 years.  When I first became an associate level therapist/resident I worked for a community mental health, non-profit agency in Tempe, AZ.  We treated clients 4 days per week and on Wednesdays the 7 of us residents spent all day in training and in clinical supervision. It was an amazing experience. It taught me so much and I would do it again. However, it was also extremely challenging for all of us residents. I, in particular, found it to be difficult because not only was on I working in a whole new profession after being out of the workforce for over 10 years, but I also had two daughters who were only 9 and 12. Up until I returned to graduate school my full-time job had been taking care of them. I was now working 50 hours per week with some studying on Sundays and still trying to be a great parent and spouse, maintain my friendships, and maintain my physical health (which is a challenge because I have a chronic pain condition).

         Towards the end of this year long program/job the residents got introduced to the values exercise I describe in this blog which is from a therapy modality known as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).  It had been years, if ever, that I had looked at my values in this way. I really struggled as they all seemed important to me. When I really took a hard look, I realized that the 3 values that were most important to me were the ones that I had not been attending to since I started the residency program. I valued family/parenting and health most and I was really struggling with both of them because I was spending all my time on career and education.  I realized in that moment, in that conference room, that I needed to make a change. I can remember taking a peek at my colleagues’ forms to my left and right and theirs were very, very different than mine. They were quite a bit younger, they did not have children, and they did not have health challenges. It was such a wake-up call.  My new career and training were so important to me and I wanted to focus on that. However, I realized that family/parenting and my health were MORE important and if I stayed in that job I would continue to be stressed, unhappy, and not feel well physically or emotionally. It didn’t matter what my colleagues’ values were.

         What did I do?  I quit. I quit and took at part-time job as a counselor at Arizona State University’s Employee Assistance Office. This would inevitably slow down my progress towards earning my independent license, but it was what was needed. Working part-time allowed me to be present for my kids, present for my husband, and allowed me to take better care of my physical health. It allowed me to re-gain balance after a year of feeling completely exhausted and out of sync with myself.  It didn’t take long before I began seeking out more responsibility and growth within my career, but I was now doing it with balance and without sacrificing 2 very, very important values.

Values Activity

         Now it’s your turn. Below is a simple 5 step process to help you take a deeper look at your values and how you are currently aligning or misaligning with them.

Step 1:  Set aside some time in the next week or two to look at this list and write a few sentences or paragraphs about what each of these values mean to YOU!  Do not analyze them yet, just describe what each one means to you.

1.     Family Relations

a.     What sort of relationships do you want?

2.     Marriage/Couples/Intimate Relations

a.     What sort of partner do you want?

b.     How would you interact with your partner if you were the “ideal you” in this relationship?

3.     Parenting

a.     What kind of parent do you want to be? What qualities do you want to exhibit as a parent?

4.     Friendship/Social Life

a.     What kind of friends do you want? How do you want to show up in your friendships?

5.     Career/Employment

a.     What kind of employee do you want to be?

b.     What kind of work would you find meaningful?

6.     Education/Personal Growth and Development

a.     What skills would you like to learn?

b.     What does furthering your education mean to you?

7.     Recreation/Fun/Leisure

a.     How do you have fun?

b.     What hobbies or sports do you enjoy?

c.     How do you relax or unwind?

8.     Spirituality

a.     What does this mean to you and why is it important?

9.     Citizenship/Environment/Community Life

a.     How would you like to contribute to your community or to your environment?

10.  Health/Physical Well-Being

a.     How do you define health? Is it all physical or is mental health important too?

Step 2:  Ask yourself how important each one of these categories are to you and rank them. 

         0 (low importance) – 10 (very important)

         ** It’s ok if some values are assigned the same number.

Step 3:  Rate how successful you have been in the last month living in accordance with this value.

         0 (not successful) – 10 (very successful)

Step 4:  Rank how important is it for you to work on this value RIGHT NOW

         10 (Attend to asap) – 1 (I’ll get to it when I get it OR I may never get to it and that’s ok)

         ** No repeating numbers this time. You can only have one #1 value and one #10 value.

Step 5:  See if there is a mismatch between what you ranked as most important (step 2) and what you ranked at how successful you have been at living in accordance with this value (step 3). 

If there is no mismatch, congratulations! You are living your life the way you want to  and you are in alignment with what you value most!  Are you happy and satisfied? If yes, that’s incredible.  Good for you!  If you are not happy then ask yourself who’s values are you living by?  Are they someone else’s? Have you changed your values since you were a child? Are they related to a religion, culture, or family system that you no longer aligned with?

If there is a mismatch, then make a plan to make 1-2 small changes that will help you align more with your values and see if you feel more satisfied in a month or two.

Make a Commitment Now!

1.     It is the start of spring and the start of a new month. Make a commitment now to identify your values.  Do the values exercise.

2.     Check to see if you are making choices that are directly aligned with your most important values or if you are sacrificing them.

3.     Make a few changes.

4.     Reassess at the beginning of May and see what’s different.

5.     Let me know how it’s going? You can engage with my on the blog site or message me on Instagram or Facebook.

6.     If you find this blog, or my other blogs, to be helpful I would appreciate if you would share with your friends. You can do this by either sharing my social media pages or inviting them to subscribe to the blog. 

** I write this blog to make a difference and that’s it!  I know it’s hard to go to therapy and I know there are barriers that for some seem insurmountable. Through my blog I want to offer others hope, balance, happiness, courage, and connection. **

Please share your feedback by commenting. You may comment anonymously if you choose by entering the word Guest or Anonymous in the Name section and then click “Post Comment”. Thanks!