Everyone has a Story
How did I get here and why do you care? I do not know yet if you care or why you care, but I am hoping you will take a chance and explore with me and share with me.
Childhood
As a little girl I would say that others considered me to be super talkative (my parents gave me the nickname “Gabby”), kind of bossy, daring, athletic, perfectionistic, academically focused with strong leadership skills. I had a lot of friends growing up and was considered by many to be an over-achiever. Therefore, when I got to college it made perfect sense for me to get a bachelor’s degree in business and not in psychology or social work, like my heart was saying. I mean, I was too bossy and too talkative to be a therapist. At least that was the message I received from others. Nonetheless, at age 19 when it was time to choose a major in college, I was torn. Should it be psychology or business? My mother the teacher said, “Honey, you follow your heart and do what will make your happy.” My father, the attorney said, “Damn it. You get a degree that will help you support yourself.” I decided dad was right. First, I did not want to be poor and everyone knows you cannot do anything with a psychology degree, right? Second, I sure as heck did not want to spend 4 more years after graduation pursing a PhD (little did I know that most mental health therapists have master’s degrees). Third, I am too sensitive, I get too attached to people, I am not a good listener. Right? Is that true? I don’t know, maybe it is. I decided going into psychology was just not the right decision, so I got a bachelor’s degree in business with a subspeciality in Supply Chain Management.
My Corporate Business Career
I graduated from Michigan State University in 1993, cum laude, with my business degree and a well-paying and respectable job at Motorola Semiconductor Sector in Tempe, AZ. Wow, I thought. This is it! I am an adult. I have got a professional job and I am moving across the country. In October of 1997, at age 22, I moved alone to Tempe, AZ to start my new career.
I quickly began to question if the job was a right fit for me. The cubicles, the spreadsheets, the long meetings, the emails, the lack of quality and meaningful social engagement and then, of course, there was the culture of the “good ole boys” network. I was an outgoing, strong, independent, 22-year-old female. How was I going to fit into this culture AND learn, understand, and care about semiconductor manufacturing? Well, I did not fit in even thought I tried. I really, really tried. I started out in production planning and then got involved in a project management team and training team. This was much more fitting for me and it allowed me to use my extroverted personality and creativity more and engage with others. Things were looking up, or at least I thought. Times were changing in the industry and therefore, so was my department. After about a year, I decided to make a switch to a different department out of fear of being laid off. Boy, was that a mistake. No windows, little people interaction, a small, shared cubicle with a co-worker, and lots and lots of time at the computer and in meetings. It was October 1997 and I had just gotten married to my best friend, Mark, and started my new job in a new department just after the honeymoon. I decided to give it a year and then I would decide what to do. At the year mark, I was not happy. I was the most unhappy I had been since starting with the company in 1993 and now it was Fall of 1998, so I left. I tried sales and I tried working in consulting, but it just was not me. By 1999 I decided that more education was the answer, so I applied and was accepted into the Master of Business Administration (MBA) program at Arizona State University. I would start in August of 2000. I had just gotten pregnant with my first child. I was so excited. My plan was to stay home with my daughter during the day and go to graduate school in the evening. It was a perfect plan.
Stay at Home Mom
On the afternoon of May 19, 2000, I began to feel, what I thought, were labor pains. I called my husband and asked him to come home. The contractions were intense, so we decided to walk our 2-year-old Labrador Retriever, Bailey. We took her to the green belt in our new neighborhood. We met a neighbor there who also had a Labrador. His dog was fetching and retrieving a ball and Bailey was sniffing around and exploring on her own when all of a sudden, I was hit, by the dog, and I went down, hard. The neighbor’s 100lb dog ran at full speed into the side of my leg. I delivered Megan 3 days later, May 22 and learned the next morning that the dog had shattered my leg and torn my cartilage. The injury is called a tibial plateau fracture and it is a common injury in football players. There is a lot more to this story, but I will save that for another time.
Now what am I supposed to do, I thought? I am supposed to be overjoyed with this beautiful baby and on cloud 9, but I cannot walk, and I cannot put any amount of weight on my leg for 3 months. Are you kidding me? I was overjoyed, as Megan was beautiful, sweet, and just about as perfect as a baby could be, but I did not know how I was going to balance everything. My husband would have to go to work and both sets of parents still had full time jobs in Michigan. Over the course of 2 years, I had 3 surgeries and a lot of physical therapy. The first surgery was the most intense and included receiving a bone graft with two, 2 inch screws put through my tibia and fibula bones to hold the graft in place. It required a lot of work, resiliency, acceptance, stamina, deep breathing, vulnerability, adaptability, and balance but we did it. What did I do about starting the MBA program, you ask? I asked the university for a one-year deferment into the program and it was granted.
The first year of my daughter’s life passed by quickly and it was now time to decide what to do about the MBA. I learned a lot about myself over the course of that year. I learned that I am a rather multi-dimensional person with sides and parts of me that I had not experienced fully in the past. I learned that I can be patient, loving, caring, flexible and resilient and more than anything, I learned that I absolutely loved being a mom and that I wanted to make that my full-time job. I withdrew from the MBA program and spent the next 9 years being a stay-at-home mom, loving it, and giving birth to daughter number 2, Peyton, in June 2003.
Girls on the Run
My involvement in Girls on the Run, an after-school empowerment and running program for girls in 3rd – 5thgrades, was wonderful and extensive spanning 2007 – 2011 (https://www.girlsontherun.org/ ). I was the program coordinator at my daughters’ elementary school for many years and I fell in love with the little girls as well as the curriculum, written by Molly Barker, who has a master’s degree in social work. I loved being a helper and I decided I wanted to do more in the helping profession. After a lengthy discovery process, I enrolled in the Master of Social (MSW) program at Arizona State University in Tempe, AZ with the intention of becoming a psychotherapist. At the age of 38 I was going back to school with a 6-year-old and 9-year-old at home.
Becoming a Therapist
In May 2012 I graduated with my MSW, I passed the AZ state licensing board exam, and started working in community mental health. Wow! I did not know what I was getting myself into. My work experience, thus far, had been in the world of semiconductors and corporations and then with a small 501c3 along with 9 years as a stay-at-home mom. All of that provided me with great experience and life lessons, but it was still overwhelming to be in this foreign world.
In this first job/clinical residency, I was immersed into learning the therapy modality Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT) by Marsha Linehan (https://behavioraltech.org/about-us/founded-by-marsha/ ). This therapy was created to treat the mental health condition known as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) as well as to help those who feel challenged when it comes to regulating and managing their emotions. It is a type of Cognitive and Behavioral Therapy that centers around Mindfulness.
I did not know much, if anything, about Mindfulness at the time, but as the year went on it really began to shape me and the way I viewed things and the way I behaved. Mindfulness is the idea of being aware of your present moment experience without judgement. DBT is about accepting one’s reality without trying to change it or fight it. It teaches that pain is an ordinary part of life and that everyone has pain, but suffering is a choice. When we refuse to accept our reality for exactly what it is, we turn the pain dial up and we suffer. DBT also teaches us to be aware of when we get off balance. To notice when we are engaging in black and white thinking, all or nothing thinking, or when we are being controlled by our emotions (Emotion Mind) or if we have disconnected from our emotions (Reasonable Mind). It teaches us that 2 things that seem like they cannot co-exist and cannot be true at the same time, can. It is called Dialectical Thinking.
Well, this was news to this black and white thinker who was frequently distracted by thoughts of the future and who had restless nights, unable to sleep due, to planning thoughts or worry thoughts. Fortunately, for me, this rigorous program, with a cohort of 6 other newbie therapists, pushed me (sometimes it felt like forcing me) to learn how to be present, how to get in touch with my emotions, and how to begin to seeing things more in shades of gray rather than in black or white. I began noticing how often I judged myself, my thoughts, my emotions, and my actions. I noticed that, at times, I chose to suffer when I did not have to. I began to see my life for exactly what it was, working to let go of what had happened in the past and what might be coming in my future.
This is an ongoing process so do not be fooled. I do not have it mastered, but I work on it every day. It is a philosophy. One that I return to when I am feeling off balance. Some benefits that one can enjoy from being more mindful and more dialectical are learning how to self- validate, attending to self-care, noticing self-judgement, learning to forgive oneself, and learning to ride the wave of emotions and get comfortable with discomfort. It has really changed my life even if it is not always readily apparent to those close to me. I am far from perfect, but I now work to recalibrate and return to balance when I notice that I am not.
Branching Out
I only stayed in community mental health for 1 year, until June 2013. That was my original intent and it conveniently worked out that way, as I was offered a job to return to Arizona State University (ASU) where I had interned in my last year of graduate school. It was in the Employee Assistance Office doing brief counseling to the faculty and staff of the university. I was thrilled as I had absolutely loved working there the year prior as an intern. I was offered a part-time or a full-time job. I chose the part-time position as I was struggling with being a working mom, I was missing time with my kids, I wanted to return to the mentorship program Girls on the Run, and I was struggling with chronic pain in my head and neck that began in 2007 following an invasive jaw surgery which involved intentionally breaking my entire upper jawbone.
In this job I received great clinical supervision and great experience working the ASU staff. Unfortunately, since I was only working part-time, I realized that it would take a lifetime to accrue enough hours to earn my independent license unless I got a second part-time job, so I went on a quest. One of my mentors from graduate school ended up introducing me to another therapist who had just opened a group practice and she ended up hiring me. I worked there between March 2014 – March 2017. During this time, I learned about the therapy modality known as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) discovered by Francine Shapiro (https://www.emdria.org/). I spent the next three years studying and becoming certified in EMDR, attending advanced trainings and peer consultation groups. Additionally, I ran my own DBT skills groups. In 2016 I passed my second licensing board exam and received my independent license, LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker). After a year of becoming an LCSW I decided it was time for me to make my next leap into a solo practice. In March 2017 Be Balanced Counseling, LLC was born.
Why Be Balanced Counseling?
A lot had changed within me over the past 5 years since graduation. I was feeling more balanced and I was experiencing beautiful transformations and growth in my clients as result of helping them reprocess and heal old traumas using EMDR therapy and teaching them to be more dialectical in their thinking and more mindful using DBT. Sadly, I also continued to struggle with my physical health and chronic pain after having an operation in January 2015 on my dura, which is the connective tissue that protects the spine and the brain. The surgery was aimed at repairing a tear in my dura that was causing cerebral spinal fluid to leak. The neurosurgeon and I were hopeful that it would help the pressure I constantly felt in my head and neck following the jaw surgery from 2007. Unfortunately, it just added more pain to my body and added more medical trauma to my history. It was a challenge every day to seek balance, both emotionally and physically, as well as to balance my desire to help others professionally and continuing to be present for friends and family. Having the name “balance” in my business name just seemed appropriate and in March 2017 Be Balanced Counseling was born.
As time went on, I became intrigued by another therapy known as Internal Family Systems (IFS) created by family therapist, Dick Schwartz (https://ifs-institute.com/). The basic premise with IFS is that we are all own born with Self Energy as well as various other parts or aspects of ourselves. Over time, through experiences, different parts take on extreme roles to help protect the individual system from experiencing painful memories and emotions. So, once again, the focus is on balancing the person’s system through some complex treatment interventions. It is a wonderful, healing model and I now use all 3 treatment modalities, IFS, EMDR, and DBT in my practice with clients.
I believe all therapists should do their own work. I was taught early on in my residency program that I cannot expect a client to do anything that I have not been willing to do myself. Therefore, all the trainings I attend are very experiential and involve real time practice with other therapists. Therefore, I often must practice in the therapist role and then switch and be in the client role (using real concerns) while being observed by another experienced therapist. Additionally, I have my own therapist so that I can be as healthy and balanced as possible and to ensure that my stuff does not come into the therapy room when it is the client’s turn.
Building a Balanced Community
Now, we arrive at today, the year 2021. With so much pain in the world today between the pandemic, challenges with social justice, intense political debates, etc. our coping skills are being taxed more than ever. Our relationships are being taxed more than ever. Our decision-making skills are being challenged, our hearts hurt, feelings of loneliness and grief and loss are at an all-time high. Whenever, I feel overwhelmed and powerless I shift to thinking “What can I do” instead of “What can’t I do” so I decided to try to share what I know and try to build a more balanced community by starting this blog.
My goal for starting this blog “Balance with Burnside” is multi-dimensional.
1. I want to increase awareness around mental and emotional health.
2. I want to help educate people on how to get help with their mental and emotional health and work to decrease stigma. I want to help, so people are not so intimated or overwhelmed with finding a therapist that will be a good fit for them.
3. I want to build a community of people who care about their mental well-being. We talk openly in our society about our physical well-being and we go to our primary care doctor without shame or fear of judgment, but we do not talk as openly about our mental well-being.
4. I want to make a difference, by helping others to be happy and more balanced. Selfishly, I believe that by helping others with this I will also be helping myself to feel more purposeful and connected.
Let’s get to know each other. I would love to hear from you. Comment below.
How do you create “balance” in your life?
Other things to think about on your own.
1. What is your story? How has it shaped you? Do you want to re-write your story? What is needed to do that?
2. How do you experience pain vs. suffering? If you take a moment to be fully present can you see areas in your life where you may not be accepting your reality, but rather pushing it away, increasing the pain?
3. How mindful are you? Do you focus on the now or do you spend much of your time in the past or the future?